I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
