My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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