I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
