I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
