You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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