I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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