If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
