Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
