he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
