god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
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he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
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It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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