I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I have fence marks all over my body
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
