Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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