She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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