If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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