she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
