I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
