It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
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I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
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It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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