they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
