Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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