Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
