I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
