5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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