I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
