I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
