just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
