You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
