my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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