Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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