I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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