I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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