I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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