The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
