At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Never underestimate the power of titties
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
