i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
As shirtless as possible
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
