Small penises have feelings too.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
