I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
