I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
