I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
