is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
