I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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