Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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