can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
