I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
