I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
