Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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