I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
