I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
