You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We're too hungover to prance.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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