Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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