I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
