let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
