im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize