Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
