He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
