When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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