Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
