Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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