zippers are such a cool invention
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
